ummmmm mass-awe-jah

Friday i had a massage........mmmmmmm. A good friend of mine gave me a spa gift cert for 3 hours of pampering for a christmas gift i was so happy. It included hot rocks , an herbal wrap and an 80 min massage. I made the appt for friday morn since i worked the whole week and thought i would be dead tired and would love to have the massage to unwind. Fridays are the worst days for me to unwind. So i went to the gym after i got off work where i only saw 1 famous person...Billy Bob Thornton he looked quite older and plumper maybe that was why he was working out. After the gym i had some breakfast then went to my massage. I walked into the room and went to the front desk where there was a small shy timid lady who asked if she could help me in a small whisperish voice. I spoke in my normal loud tone and said yes i have an appt and showed her my gift cert, i was told on the phone when i made my appt it would be with michael whom i assumed was a male and i was pleased cause i like strong male hands manipulating my body. Standing by the shy meek receptionist was a cute skinny blonde girl who got so excited when i said my name cause she said i was with her. I felt disappointed and even more shy cuz now this cute skinny blonde was going to be staring at my large girth. As i was following the girl i see a small sign that says shhhhhhhhhhh please use ur library voice,oooops!

So we go into the room it was darkened and quaint. There was this silver chafing dish looking thing which i assumed were where the rocks were kept either that or she was going to serve me a buffet of some sort. She asked me to disrobe and get on table under the covers face down which is something i hear often in life. As soon as she left the room i took off my clothes like i was competing in a "who can take off your clothes the fastest" race. Im sure it was like 10 seconds. i dove on the table under the covers put my face in the hole and was waiting patiently for my masseuse. I think my masseuse name was julie she knocked on the door lightly and came in and went to the chafing dish. She explained to me how things were going to go down , she was going to put 4 huge hot rocks on my back and let me lay there and enjoy the heat. I was a lil concerned cuz i thought the rocks were going to be small for some reason. Julie put a blanket over my back then placed the rocks ever so slighty goin from my neck to my bum, they were a lil heavy . Mind u i never actually saw the rocks she could have put some old tires or some encyclopedias on my back for all i knew but they felt good. As i lay there i was looking at the carpet since that was my only line of vision and noticed the pattern on it was very hypnotic, it looked 3-d for a minute. The music i have to say was horrible, it was a mix of midevil times vs yanni vs a piccolo vs various wind instruments. I couldnt help but picturing people eating at a hearty feast with turkey legs and goblets o wine then it would go to a sad indian with a tear running down his face then it would go to yanni with his hair blowing in the wind. Julie also told me that if i felt like the rocks were too heavy and needed them to come off i could lean to the side and let them just slide off to the floor. i know if i would of let that happen it would of made a very loud crashing sound and people would come runnin into my room to see me half nude because the "rocks" would of fur sure taking the sheets down with it. Next was the herbal wrap, i was supposed to put on a robe they had laying on a chair then wait while there was this huge foil type thing layed across the table and linens drenched in an herbal oil on top of it. Julie said she would turn around while i take the robe off lie on the table face up with a small hand towel covering my nunu and just my hands cupping my over spilling breasts. I closed my eyes cause i felt so bad that julie had to keep hers open. She then preceded to wrap the drenched linens around me in a cocoon like motion, they felt good cause they were warm . I was a human burrito all u could see was my face. I waited for julie to pour some hot sauce on me but she just quietly left the room sed she would check back on me in a few. I was hugging myself and could not move a muscle , it felt good and weird at the same time. My mind started to get away from me and i was thinking about what if i needed to escape? Im no David Copperfield but thought i would prob have to be if i needed to hurry and get out for some reason, like a medical reason! It was so hot i kept thinking about all those people that died in that sweat lodge recently(what if just went along with it and didnt know when to say when?). I finally calmed my mind down and enjoyed the tight heat. I closed my eyes and listened to the lame music which was often interrupted by a male coughing and drawers being opened and closed. The walls must have been paper thin. I was so happy to hear Julie come in to unwrap me. My inards were all wet and shriveled like an old monkfish(?). I again laid on the table nude except for the small dish towel, i hurried and ripped the robe out of Julies hand and was waiting for the next step to process. Julie escorted me to the shower which i thought was in a small secluded place with locks on the doors........no. I guess the place also had a small shop in it that sold homemade braceltets and trinkets and such. There was a separate door for the store and the shower happened to be in the store!!!!! Like if a customer came in and decided they wanted to take a break from shopping and hop in the shower they could. I was way shy to say the least, the "door" if u will was a thin old bed sheet that was almost see thru. As i was closing the bed sheet i saw who was making all the racket earlier with the coughing and opening and shutting drawers it was a male worker that was at the cash register making a necklace! I entered the ol "who can take a shower the fastest" contest again and was out of there in 2 seconds. Julie was so cute i told her how awkward i felt taking a shower in the middle of a store and she just chuckled like it was no big thing. We finally got down to business and she worked me like i was payin her by my lbs. It was hard and long but it was still hard for me to relax(HEY I THINK I HAVE SAID THIS BEFORE?). We had alot in common and talked the whole time, i feel like i want her to be my friend but she is probably scarred by having to look and touch my girth i prob remind her of jabba the hut and to this day she cant watch a Star Wars movie.

SNOW PATROL

recently i had the fabulous oppurtunity to go to the snow patrol concert, i love them ! if u are in the market for a cd that is good like the whole cd is good go out and get their album called eyes open u will love it. so i took a date with me it was at the mckay events center in orem which kinda sucked cause that meant it would be a dry concert. i had to smuggle some juice in if u know what i mean. last time i went to the mckay events center i got busted for sneakin in some vodka in a water bottle and i thought i was going down cause the police were surrounding me and i looked up to see where the the friend was that i came with and all i could see was the back of her head scurring off like a mouse, for a minute i thought she was on fire. i was pissed cause i wanted to see the concert it was damien rice and i thought they werent going to let me in but they were actually cool they just made me throw the shit out and i was on my way. so this time at the concert i decided to be a lil smarter and not take a purse just hide some flasks on my body, i hate goin to a concert with no alcohol. it was a pretty good crowd we got the general admission on the floor and had some pretty good seats. i had to swig some of the alcohol in the bathroom. i love to people watch and going to concerts are one of the best places for it. we sat down and immediately i noticed this man who looked poss jewish and was sitting at the concert all alone. he sat there with his mouth wide open for the majority of the time and had a smile on his face like someone had shoved a hanger in is mouth, i couldnt take my eyes off of him who would go to a conert by themself? i would if it was a madonna concert and i had front row seat. the man was also clutching a jacket like it was filled with a million dollars in it. i kept lookin up at him thinking there has got to be someone coming to sit by him. i finally told my friend i was watching him and for her to take a gander then she couldnt take her eyes off him. not only did that guy have my attention but there was a lame couple sitiing beside me that were holding hands, they looked like if they were in a highschool yearbook they would have been nominated for lamest or nerdiest couple. the male looked like an albino with acne and the female had a pizza face also and some overalls that i didnt know people even wore anymore(thanks mel). it wasnt bad enought that the chick had a pizza face but she kept pickin at it then investigating it on her fingers then flicking it off. i was sick. the person right in front of me had a blouse on that showed part of her back that had bacne on it too!!! then there was this couple kind of in front of me to the right side that couldnt keep their hands off of eachother....it must of been zit night at the concert cuz the girl in the couple had a pimple face too but her boy toy didnt seem to care cuz he was kissing i think each and everyone of her pimples. me and my friend had gads o fun talking about all these goofs around us. first we would look at lonely jewish boy then to acne overall couple then to bacne girl then to the horny couple then start all over again, it kept us busy but i still wish i had a beer to really enjoy what i was watching. i think the jewish boy was the most interesting he kept looking around in amazement kinda talking to himself. when the concert finally started the opening band was plain white tees and they were pretty good they only played 3 songs due to the singer being sick. finally snow patrol came on they were sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good the lead singer had a lot of flair to him and his voice is so powerful and it sounded so strong even in the small venue...during the concert the jewish boy was singing every song and clapping out of beat, the acne overall girl was plugging her ears? and the horny toad couple had their arms around eachother rubbing eachothers bags in quick circular motions i wanted to tell them to get a flipping room and order a vat o noxema while they were at it....since i was standing behind them i had to keep bobbin my head from side to side to see the lead singer. all in all i had a great time BUT the group didnt sing my most favorite song and i wanted to cry. the song is called.....YOU COULD BE HAPPY
"You Could Be Happy"You could be happy and I won't knowBut you weren't happy the day I watched you goAnd all the things that I wished I had not saidAre played in loops 'till it's madness in my headIs it too late to remind you how we wereBut not our last days of silence, screaming, blurMost of what I remember makes me sureI should have stopped you from walking out the doorYou could be happy, I hope you areYou made me happier than I'd been by farSomehow everything I own smells of youAnd for the tiniest moment it's all not trueDo the things that you always wanted toWithout me there to hold you back, don't think, just doMore than anything I want to see you, girlTake a glorious bite out of the whole world.....

POPPIN AT THE GYM

i was discombobulated today at the gym, i know i spelled that wrong but oh well. my routine was off cuz my friend needed a favor and i needed to get to sleep asap!!! i usually go to gym right after work for a few come home decompress then talk to amber then nighty night as u all know but today i went home talked to amber she made me breakfast finally fell asleep then woke up and ran some errands... i finally got to the gym at about 445pm and let me tell u the crowd in the evening is alot different than the early am crowd. i like the early am crowd better. before i get into the gym rant i have to advise that i was suffering from a lil bit o gas prob due to the fact that me and my friend went to kfc earlier in the day. i kinda dressed different when i went today i had on some workout pants and a sweat shirt. i got there and of course my usual workout machines were taken so i had to defer to ye olde treadmill. i set the tread for an hour and started my grind, the treadmill is so boring for me unless i run and i havent really been doin that lately. i was about 20 min in when i noticed a free efx machine up for grabs so i scooted off the tread and went on my fave machine i set it for an hour i thought might as well i was going in late to work and i prob wouldnt get to take another snooze so i was going along with the flow but i wasnt as peppy as i am in the morn, i was kind sluggish. as i was climbin my way to who nose where my stomy started gurgling.....this is not a good sign. i tried to ignore it but it was bubbling like a vat o oil comin up from the ground. i knew i was going to have cut my workout short i looked to see if anyone was around me so that mabye i could slip out a few...pops. there was an older man behind me and of course he didnt have any headphones on so he could prob hear me if "popped" out loud. if i have a real bad stomy ache and i know the wont stink and someone behind me is wearing head phones sometimes i will let loose, no harm no foul right? my stomyache was gettin worse and i had to get off the machine asap!!! as i was stepping down i was poppin uncontrollably i would try to hold one in then another one would escape and so on so i was wiping down my machine and notice 2 young males getting on the machines right beside me! i turned off my head phones so i could hear if myself was poppin and sure enough i was like a human popcorn machine that was on the fritz. i was so embarrassed i was thinking there was a bathroom on the top floor where i was scurring around like a caged rat i finally figured i had to go down to the bottom floor to find relief. of course when i got there , there were only 2 bathrooms and 1 was broken i was in such a frenzy i didnt realize there was a person waitin in line to use it , as the person came out i started to go in when this old hag mouths something to me i had my headphones back on blasting cuz i didnt want to hear myself popping all over the place so i didnt catch what she said but figured it was prob along the lines of "excuse me buster but there is a line to the ladies room and your not next" i was so mad! im sure all the lady had to do was go in and blow her nose or something dumb like that im sure she didnt have a time bomb ready to explode like i did with the minutes not tickin but poppin away, didnt she hear me pop? i wanted to yell at her that i had an emergency but she slammed the door in my face. i think the other people in the restroom might have been confused for a minute cause due to my exessive popping they prob thought they were at the movies. i was finally able to find a loo that was avail after many roadblocks and decided i had enough and went home. i guess the moral to this story is dont stray from routine and hold the butter.

FREE AT LAST FREE AT LAST

I was at the gym with my jovial self when BREAKING NEWS came on the tv. The american journalists were finally set free after almost 5 months of captivity in N.Korea.Praise God! It was high drama on the tv so i wanted to get on an ellptical that was close to the tube i decided to mosey over by this older gentleman who is always at the gym sweating to the oldies i secretly call him Charlton Heston cause he looks like him. As i sauntered behind him i was hit by a wall of stench that reeked of pastrami, i wasnt sure if he was farting it or burping it or if it was just coming out of his pores but it stunk! I thought i could suffer through it that it was something that would just waft away . I did give the ol college try and at least stepped on the elliptical but was overcome by the odor. I couldnt stop staring at C.H. wondering what the fudge did he eat 10 burgers from CROWN all in one sitting? Then i thought maybe its St. Pattys day and he is celebrating early but he was dressed all in magenta and i think the main dish is corn beef hash it might be different than pastrami. As i was holding in my breath i searched around and found another EFX machine far away from

Charlton Heston aka Pastrami man. While i was watchin the gripping news of the 2 news journalist that were pardoned and sent back home i started bawling as Euna Lee got off the plane and swallowed her precious lil girl in her toothpick arms. I couldnt stop crying at the whole event. i didnt even care who saw me, i let the tears fall from my cheeks and stain that EFX machine like that old commercial of the lone indian on his horse bawling cause America is a dirty cesspool. I honestly didnt think they were coming home. Pres Clinton still has it.

He was as mute as an old migrant worker out in the fields when they started the press coverage. My emotions were running, i can only imagine how the journalists families felt during that whole ordeal. i dont think i would of even made it 5 months. I woulf of made it maybe a few days then i would of offed myself. Hopefully i would of remembered to have worn my vial of cyanide, or i would of made a feeble attempt of slowly sliceing my wrists with dull chop stix. After the press conference was over i gathered myself and was nearing the end of my cardio when another BREAKING NEWS story came in this one was a shooting at a spa fitness center! The person was a wacko gunman who worked out at the gym. I immediatly looked around for Charlton, my eyes were scanning the area like i was an owl perched up on a tree looking for its prey but i felt like any minute I would be the prey if i didnt spot pastrami out first. I tried to sniff him out but i found him on the stationary bike peddaling his scent away. I gazed down at his side to make sure he wasnt packing heat, you can never be too sure these days. He was clear,phew. Again i was glued to the tube , some loner who could never get a girl and hated that women could bench press more than he could decided to go on a shooting rampage at his local gym. I think like 3 people died then he did himself in. I couldnt help but think any minute the same thing was going to happen to me while i was working out on the EFX, i was wondering if other people thought the same so i was looking around at the other members to see if they also had the fear of God in their eyes and none of them seemed the slightest bit interested in what was unfolding on the t.v. It was like they were ignoring it on purpose ! People were lookin at the ground, looking at their manicures straightening out their clothes....they were scared to pay attention in fear that any minute someone would start blasting through our gym doors. It sucks when u cant go to ur local gym or trespass across country lines doing a news story with out being in fear of death!!!!!

**** just a lil foot note i do like to write about the gym and how it and the people drive me nuts at times but in no way do i practice or condone the act of going on a shooting rampage at any gym let alone the one i officially attend

**** this is an official disclaimer

SOMETHING IS ROTTING IN MY CAR

EVER SINCE THE 4TH MY CAR REEKS IT SMELLS LIKE THERE IS SOMETHING ROTTING INSIDE, I THOUGHT IT WAS AN OLD SHIRT I HAD BARFED ON MONTHS AGO THAT I HAVE YET TO THROW OUT BUT ITS NOT. IM NOT A GOOD CLEAN CAR KEEPER, I NEVER HAVE BEEN AND I HATE IT CAUSE I FEEL GOOD WHEN I HAVE A NICE CLEAN CAR TO DRIVE IN. I REMEMBER WHEN I HAD MY FIRST CAR IT WAS A DATSUN UNK MODEL. YOU COULDNT MISS IT THO CAUSE MY GPA THOUGHT HE WOULD BE FUNNY AND SPRAY PAINT MY NAME IN BLUE ON THE DRIVER SIDE DOOR , MY CAR WAS WHITE. I HAD TO DRIVE IT I DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE AND WHEN U FIRST START DRIVING I GUESS IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT THE CAR LOOKS LIKE. I TRIED IN VAIN TO KEEP THAT CAR CLEAN TOO BUT DIRTINESS ALWAYS WON. I DIDNT HAVE AC BECAUSE I WAS BROUGHT UP THAT WE WAY, WE WERE WETBACKS AND BY DAMN WERE WE GONNA LIVE UP TO THAT NAME LITERALLY. ONE DAY I WAS DRIVING WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED DOWN IT WAS A HOT SUMMER DAY, WHEN I HEARD SHOTS FIRED. IT WAS ROSE PARK SO IT WASNT OUT OF THE ORDINARY TO HEAR THAT BUT IT SOUNDED SO CLOSE I THOUGHT I HAD BEEN HIT, I LOOKED AROUND FELT "MY NECK MY BACK" TO SEE IF I HAD BLOOD TRICKLING DOWN ANYWHERE I LOOKED AT MY SEAT FOR BULLET HOLES....NOTHING. I THOUGHT MAYBE I HAD A FLAT TIRE OR HIT SOMETHING SO I PULLED OVER TO SEE IF I HAD RAN OVER A SMALL CHILD OR AN ELDELRY PERSON AND CHECKED THE OUTSIDE OF MY CAR STILL NOTHING I LOOKED TO SEE WHAT COLOR I WAS WEARING HOPING IT WASNT RED OR BLUE FOR FEAR I WAS IN THE WRONG HOOD OR BARRIO. I WAS PERPLEXED TO SAY THE LEAST. I CHALKED IT UP TO DIVINE INTERVENTION AND WENT ON MY MERRY WAY. MIND U THIS WAS DURING THE SUMMER TIME AND WITH NO AC MY CAR COULD GET LIKE AN OVEN. THE NEXT DAY I DECIDED TO GO FOR A DRIVE WHILE I WAS OUT ON THE ROAD I CAME TO A STOP LIGHT WENT TO STEP ON THE BRAKES AND IT FELT LIKE SOMETHING WAS BLOCKIN IT SO I COULDNT PRESS IT DOWN, I COULDNT STOP!!!!!! I LOOKED DOWN AT MY FEET AND SAW THIS ROUND SILVER THING UNDERNEATH THE PEDAL SO WITH MY QUICK THINKING AND CAT LIKE MOVES I BENT DOWN WHILE DRIVING AND SWATTED THAT THING AWAY FROM THE PEDAL SO I WAS ABLE TO APPLY THE BRAKES SAFELY AND COME TO A COMPLETE STOP, PHEW THAT WAS ANOTHER CLOSE CALL I ALMOST HAD TO CAREEN INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC. I GUESS AS I WAS COMING DOWN THE HILL THE LOOSE GROCERIES I HAD IN THE BAG BEHIND MY SEAT TOPPLED OUT AND ROLLED UNDER MY SEAT UNDER THE PEDAL, BACK IN THE DAY CARS DID THAT. NEEDLESS TO SAY I HAD TO SIT AND COLLECT MYSELF FOR A MIN HAVING A BRUSH WITH DEATH 2 DAYS IN A ROW TAKES A LOT OUT IN A GIRL. WHEN I FINALLY GOT HOME I GOT IN THE BACK SEAT TO GATHER UP ALL MY JUNK WHEN I NOTICED SOMETHING SO GROTESQUE ,I SCREAMED IN HORROR. IT LOOKED LIKE WHITE HUGE PORTABELLO MUSHROOMS WERE GROWING OUT OF THE CARPET ON THE FLOOR OF MY BACK SEAT! THEY WERE BIG AND ROUND WITH THIS DOUGHLIKE CONSISTENCY I THINK THEY WERE BREATHING. I KNEW I HAD LEFT FOOD AND STUFF IN MY CAR FOR MONTHS ON END BEFORE BUT THIS LOOKED LIKE IT WAS A LIVING ORGANISM WHAT IF IT HAD ECOLI. SO AS I WAS SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER I LOOKED CLOSER AND REALIZED WHAT IT WAS......BISCUITS

FROM PILSBURY. APPARENTLY THEY HAD POPPED OUT OF THE TUBE DUE TO THE EXTREME HEAT AND HAD BEEN BAKING FOR DAYS IN MY HOT VEHICLE . NOW I KNOW WHAT THE SHOTS FIRED NOISE WAS. THE THING THAT HINDERED MY ABILITY TO APPLY THE BRAKES IN MY CAR WAS ALSO THE TUBE THAT HELD THE DOUGH. I HAD A BRUSH OF DEATH BY BREAD. I KNOW U SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM CARBS BUT COME ON. I HAD TO LAUGH AT MYSELF CAUSE ONLY STUFF LIKE THIS HAPPENS TO ME. IF I WAS STRANDED IN THE DESERT I WOULD OF BEEN A NICE SNACK BUT I ENDED UP THROWING IT AWAY I HAD TO SHOW MY FRIENDS HOW COOL IT WAS THO HOW MANY PEOPLE DO U KNOW THAT CAN BAKE THINGS ON THE FLOOR OF THEIR CAR? IF ONLY I HAD A PAT O BUTTER............

OHBYETHEWAY

YOU ARE PROB WONDERING WITH ALL THESE WORKOUTS IM DOING HOW MUCH WEIGHT I MUST HAVE LOST. WELL I DONT LIKE TO TOOT MY OWN HORN AND I DONT LIKE TO TALK NUMBERS, I REALLY DONT WANT ANYONE TO BE JEALOUS. BUT IF U SEE ME U WILL THINK I HAVE HAD MAJOR SURGERY OR WAS ON A FAMOUS REALITY SHOW LETS JUST PUT IT THAT WAY. I HAVE GOT RID OF MOST OF MY CHINS. IM CURRENTLY IN JUST ONE AREA CODE NOW. YOU NO LONGER NEED TO ROLL ME IN FLOUR. I HAVE DONATED MY CLOTHES TO THE LOCAL BOYSCOUT TROOP FOR THEIR CAMPING NEEDS, TENTS TARPS ETC. I NO LONGER NEED TO SHOP AT COSTCO FOR JUST MY OWN GROCERIES. MY BELT IS NOW BEING USED AS A JUMP ROPE FOR THE LOCAL GRAMMAR SCHOOL. I NO LONGER HAVE CANKLES OR TRUNKLES AND CAN WEAR REG SOCKS. I CAN WEAR MY BRACELET AS A NECKLACE. WHEN I LAY ON THE BEACH NO ONE YELLS "QUICK THROW IT BACK IN THE WATER" THINKIN IM A WHALE. I CAN SEE MY FEET. PEOPLE NO LONGER THINK IM WEARIN MY INNER TUBE ON THE INSIDE OF MY SWIMSUIT WHEN I GO FOR A DIP IN THE POOL. WHEN I TAKE A BATH I STILL HAVE AN ABUNDANCE OF WATER IN THE TUB IT DOESNT DISAPPEAR. I COULD PROB GO ON AND ON . BELIEVE ME YOU WOULDNT EVEN RECOGNIZE ME .

WORK IT WORK IT

HI ALL, YESTERDAY I DECIDED TO RUN FOR MY CARDIO IM SORRY WALK FOR MY CARDIO AND MAYBE GET SOME RUNNING IN. I WANTED TO CHANGE THINGS UP CAUSE THAT IS WHAT "THEY" SAY U SHOULD DO. I WALKED ON THE TREAD FOR ABOUT AN HOUR AND I DIDNT EVEN BURN HALF AS MANY CALORIES AS I DO ON THE EFX MACHINE. I RAN FOR ABOUT 10 MIN AND WAS THAT A CHORE. I WAS BREATHING LIKE I HAD A SEVERE CASE O ASTHMA. I WAS LUCKY TO GET 10 MIN IN. EVERYTIME IM ON A TREADMILL I ALWAYS HAVE A FEAR IM GOING TO FALL AND SHOOT OFF INTO A WALL OR ANOTHER PERSON LIKE WHAT U SEE ON YOU TUBE. IF THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME I WOULD NEVER GO BACK TO THAT GYM AGAIN. MY MEMBERSHIP DAYS WOULD BE OVER. WHEN I DO RUN I LIKE TO RUN ALONE WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE ME LIKE OUT AND ABOUT OR IN MY HOME CAUSE I LIKE TO WEAR THE SPANDEX TYPE SHORTS SO THAT I WONT HAVE A FRONT MELVIN THE WHOLE TIME AND IT IS WAY MORE COMFY. I ALSO DONT FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO START A FIRE ANY MINUTE WITH THE RUBBING OF MY INNER THIGHS. ONE TIME I WORE WAY TOO SHORT OF SHORTS AND DECIDED TO GO RUNNING CUZ I WANTED TO SHOW OFF MY OH SO MUSCULAR LEGS BOY WAS THAT A MISTAKE I GOT CHAFED SO BAD I HAD TO WALK LIKE I JUST GOT DONE RIDING A HORSE. SO SINCE I DONT DARE TO WEAR SPANDEX OUT IN THE OPEN I JUST WORE REG BBALL SHORTS YESTERDAY. IF U HAD A FRONT VIEW OF ME IT WOULDNT BE A PRETTY SIGHT ALL U WOULD SEE WAS PERMANENT FRONT WEDGIE, IT WAS LIKE MY SHORTS WERE ALL BUNCHED UP IN THE FRONT AND OF COURSE I CANT SIT AND DIG IT OUT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE SO I TRY TO SLYLY PULL DOWN ON MY SHORTS OR SPREAD MY LEGS OPEN A LIL WIDER LIKE IM RUNNING OVER A HURDLE.AS I WAS ON THE TREADMILL OF COURSE I HAD TO SURVEY THE AREA AND WATCH PEOPLE. I WISH MY JOB WAS JUST WRITING ABOUT PEOPLE AND I GOT PAID FOR IT. AND IT WOULD BE JUST MY THOUGHTS AND MY POINT OF VIEW ONLY IT DIDNT HAVE TO BE RIGHT OR WRONG OR EVEN GOOD, I WONDER IF THEY HAVE ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN AMERICA HMMMMMMMMMMM

ANYWAYS I NOTICED THIS POOR OBESE LOOKING POCAHANTAS IN FULL ON SWEATS AND HER HAIR WAS PITCH BLACK BRAIDED TO HER SHOULDERS POOR GIRL. I GIVE HER PROPS. SHE WAS ON THE TREAD GOING SO SLOW IT WAS LIKE SOMEONE HAD POURED MOLASSES ON HER OVER BAKED BREAD FEET. BLESS HER POOR ENLARGED HEART. SHE GAVE IT A GOOD GO SHE PROB GOT UP TO A 2.0 SPEED AND WAS ON THERE A GOOD 15-20 MIN. SHE GAVE ME INSPIRATION. WHILE SHE WAS ON THE TREAD SOME SKINNY SIZE 2 BITCH CAME BOPPIN ON THE TREAD RIGHT NEXT TO HER WITH HER LONG FLOWING BLONDE HAIR I THINK SHE WAS RUNNING AT A 10.0 SHE JUST GLIDED ALONG WITH THE FLOW. MEANWHILE IM BEHIND HER TRYING TO KEEP UP MY PACE I PROB LOOKED LIKE THE HUNCH BACK OF NOTRE DAME BARELY RUNNING WHILE DRAGGIN ONE LEG BEHIND ME HUFFIN AND PUFFIN WITH MY SHORTS ALL BALLED UP IN MY CROTCH GOOD THING THERE WASNT ANY YOUNG CHILDREN IN THE AREA THEY WOULD OF BEEN SCARED! I WAS ABLE TO FINISH MY FULL HOUR BUT BOY I WAS AS SPENT AS MICHAEL JACKSONS MILLIONS. THAT LIL BIT O RUNNING WORE MY ASS OUT. I WENT AND DID MY STRETCHING AND ABS AS USUAL AND WAS PLANNING ON DOING WEIGHT TRAINING ON MY LEGS BUT I GOT ON THE MACHINE AND WAS POOPED LIKE AN OLD SCATFEST. I DID ONE SET AND STOPPED CAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO EMBARASS MYSELF. MY LEGS WERE SHAKIER THAN MICHAEL J FOXES. I DECIDED TO CALL IT A WRAP (LIKE VANILLA ICE TRIED TO DO IN THE EARLY 90'S) PEACE OUT.