SNOW PATROL

recently i had the fabulous oppurtunity to go to the snow patrol concert, i love them ! if u are in the market for a cd that is good like the whole cd is good go out and get their album called eyes open u will love it. so i took a date with me it was at the mckay events center in orem which kinda sucked cause that meant it would be a dry concert. i had to smuggle some juice in if u know what i mean. last time i went to the mckay events center i got busted for sneakin in some vodka in a water bottle and i thought i was going down cause the police were surrounding me and i looked up to see where the the friend was that i came with and all i could see was the back of her head scurring off like a mouse, for a minute i thought she was on fire. i was pissed cause i wanted to see the concert it was damien rice and i thought they werent going to let me in but they were actually cool they just made me throw the shit out and i was on my way. so this time at the concert i decided to be a lil smarter and not take a purse just hide some flasks on my body, i hate goin to a concert with no alcohol. it was a pretty good crowd we got the general admission on the floor and had some pretty good seats. i had to swig some of the alcohol in the bathroom. i love to people watch and going to concerts are one of the best places for it. we sat down and immediately i noticed this man who looked poss jewish and was sitting at the concert all alone. he sat there with his mouth wide open for the majority of the time and had a smile on his face like someone had shoved a hanger in is mouth, i couldnt take my eyes off of him who would go to a conert by themself? i would if it was a madonna concert and i had front row seat. the man was also clutching a jacket like it was filled with a million dollars in it. i kept lookin up at him thinking there has got to be someone coming to sit by him. i finally told my friend i was watching him and for her to take a gander then she couldnt take her eyes off him. not only did that guy have my attention but there was a lame couple sitiing beside me that were holding hands, they looked like if they were in a highschool yearbook they would have been nominated for lamest or nerdiest couple. the male looked like an albino with acne and the female had a pizza face also and some overalls that i didnt know people even wore anymore(thanks mel). it wasnt bad enought that the chick had a pizza face but she kept pickin at it then investigating it on her fingers then flicking it off. i was sick. the person right in front of me had a blouse on that showed part of her back that had bacne on it too!!! then there was this couple kind of in front of me to the right side that couldnt keep their hands off of eachother....it must of been zit night at the concert cuz the girl in the couple had a pimple face too but her boy toy didnt seem to care cuz he was kissing i think each and everyone of her pimples. me and my friend had gads o fun talking about all these goofs around us. first we would look at lonely jewish boy then to acne overall couple then to bacne girl then to the horny couple then start all over again, it kept us busy but i still wish i had a beer to really enjoy what i was watching. i think the jewish boy was the most interesting he kept looking around in amazement kinda talking to himself. when the concert finally started the opening band was plain white tees and they were pretty good they only played 3 songs due to the singer being sick. finally snow patrol came on they were sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good the lead singer had a lot of flair to him and his voice is so powerful and it sounded so strong even in the small venue...during the concert the jewish boy was singing every song and clapping out of beat, the acne overall girl was plugging her ears? and the horny toad couple had their arms around eachother rubbing eachothers bags in quick circular motions i wanted to tell them to get a flipping room and order a vat o noxema while they were at it....since i was standing behind them i had to keep bobbin my head from side to side to see the lead singer. all in all i had a great time BUT the group didnt sing my most favorite song and i wanted to cry. the song is called.....YOU COULD BE HAPPY
"You Could Be Happy"You could be happy and I won't knowBut you weren't happy the day I watched you goAnd all the things that I wished I had not saidAre played in loops 'till it's madness in my headIs it too late to remind you how we wereBut not our last days of silence, screaming, blurMost of what I remember makes me sureI should have stopped you from walking out the doorYou could be happy, I hope you areYou made me happier than I'd been by farSomehow everything I own smells of youAnd for the tiniest moment it's all not trueDo the things that you always wanted toWithout me there to hold you back, don't think, just doMore than anything I want to see you, girlTake a glorious bite out of the whole world.....

POPPIN AT THE GYM

i was discombobulated today at the gym, i know i spelled that wrong but oh well. my routine was off cuz my friend needed a favor and i needed to get to sleep asap!!! i usually go to gym right after work for a few come home decompress then talk to amber then nighty night as u all know but today i went home talked to amber she made me breakfast finally fell asleep then woke up and ran some errands... i finally got to the gym at about 445pm and let me tell u the crowd in the evening is alot different than the early am crowd. i like the early am crowd better. before i get into the gym rant i have to advise that i was suffering from a lil bit o gas prob due to the fact that me and my friend went to kfc earlier in the day. i kinda dressed different when i went today i had on some workout pants and a sweat shirt. i got there and of course my usual workout machines were taken so i had to defer to ye olde treadmill. i set the tread for an hour and started my grind, the treadmill is so boring for me unless i run and i havent really been doin that lately. i was about 20 min in when i noticed a free efx machine up for grabs so i scooted off the tread and went on my fave machine i set it for an hour i thought might as well i was going in late to work and i prob wouldnt get to take another snooze so i was going along with the flow but i wasnt as peppy as i am in the morn, i was kind sluggish. as i was climbin my way to who nose where my stomy started gurgling.....this is not a good sign. i tried to ignore it but it was bubbling like a vat o oil comin up from the ground. i knew i was going to have cut my workout short i looked to see if anyone was around me so that mabye i could slip out a few...pops. there was an older man behind me and of course he didnt have any headphones on so he could prob hear me if "popped" out loud. if i have a real bad stomy ache and i know the wont stink and someone behind me is wearing head phones sometimes i will let loose, no harm no foul right? my stomyache was gettin worse and i had to get off the machine asap!!! as i was stepping down i was poppin uncontrollably i would try to hold one in then another one would escape and so on so i was wiping down my machine and notice 2 young males getting on the machines right beside me! i turned off my head phones so i could hear if myself was poppin and sure enough i was like a human popcorn machine that was on the fritz. i was so embarrassed i was thinking there was a bathroom on the top floor where i was scurring around like a caged rat i finally figured i had to go down to the bottom floor to find relief. of course when i got there , there were only 2 bathrooms and 1 was broken i was in such a frenzy i didnt realize there was a person waitin in line to use it , as the person came out i started to go in when this old hag mouths something to me i had my headphones back on blasting cuz i didnt want to hear myself popping all over the place so i didnt catch what she said but figured it was prob along the lines of "excuse me buster but there is a line to the ladies room and your not next" i was so mad! im sure all the lady had to do was go in and blow her nose or something dumb like that im sure she didnt have a time bomb ready to explode like i did with the minutes not tickin but poppin away, didnt she hear me pop? i wanted to yell at her that i had an emergency but she slammed the door in my face. i think the other people in the restroom might have been confused for a minute cause due to my exessive popping they prob thought they were at the movies. i was finally able to find a loo that was avail after many roadblocks and decided i had enough and went home. i guess the moral to this story is dont stray from routine and hold the butter.

FREE AT LAST FREE AT LAST

I was at the gym with my jovial self when BREAKING NEWS came on the tv. The american journalists were finally set free after almost 5 months of captivity in N.Korea.Praise God! It was high drama on the tv so i wanted to get on an ellptical that was close to the tube i decided to mosey over by this older gentleman who is always at the gym sweating to the oldies i secretly call him Charlton Heston cause he looks like him. As i sauntered behind him i was hit by a wall of stench that reeked of pastrami, i wasnt sure if he was farting it or burping it or if it was just coming out of his pores but it stunk! I thought i could suffer through it that it was something that would just waft away . I did give the ol college try and at least stepped on the elliptical but was overcome by the odor. I couldnt stop staring at C.H. wondering what the fudge did he eat 10 burgers from CROWN all in one sitting? Then i thought maybe its St. Pattys day and he is celebrating early but he was dressed all in magenta and i think the main dish is corn beef hash it might be different than pastrami. As i was holding in my breath i searched around and found another EFX machine far away from

Charlton Heston aka Pastrami man. While i was watchin the gripping news of the 2 news journalist that were pardoned and sent back home i started bawling as Euna Lee got off the plane and swallowed her precious lil girl in her toothpick arms. I couldnt stop crying at the whole event. i didnt even care who saw me, i let the tears fall from my cheeks and stain that EFX machine like that old commercial of the lone indian on his horse bawling cause America is a dirty cesspool. I honestly didnt think they were coming home. Pres Clinton still has it.

He was as mute as an old migrant worker out in the fields when they started the press coverage. My emotions were running, i can only imagine how the journalists families felt during that whole ordeal. i dont think i would of even made it 5 months. I woulf of made it maybe a few days then i would of offed myself. Hopefully i would of remembered to have worn my vial of cyanide, or i would of made a feeble attempt of slowly sliceing my wrists with dull chop stix. After the press conference was over i gathered myself and was nearing the end of my cardio when another BREAKING NEWS story came in this one was a shooting at a spa fitness center! The person was a wacko gunman who worked out at the gym. I immediatly looked around for Charlton, my eyes were scanning the area like i was an owl perched up on a tree looking for its prey but i felt like any minute I would be the prey if i didnt spot pastrami out first. I tried to sniff him out but i found him on the stationary bike peddaling his scent away. I gazed down at his side to make sure he wasnt packing heat, you can never be too sure these days. He was clear,phew. Again i was glued to the tube , some loner who could never get a girl and hated that women could bench press more than he could decided to go on a shooting rampage at his local gym. I think like 3 people died then he did himself in. I couldnt help but think any minute the same thing was going to happen to me while i was working out on the EFX, i was wondering if other people thought the same so i was looking around at the other members to see if they also had the fear of God in their eyes and none of them seemed the slightest bit interested in what was unfolding on the t.v. It was like they were ignoring it on purpose ! People were lookin at the ground, looking at their manicures straightening out their clothes....they were scared to pay attention in fear that any minute someone would start blasting through our gym doors. It sucks when u cant go to ur local gym or trespass across country lines doing a news story with out being in fear of death!!!!!

**** just a lil foot note i do like to write about the gym and how it and the people drive me nuts at times but in no way do i practice or condone the act of going on a shooting rampage at any gym let alone the one i officially attend

**** this is an official disclaimer

SOMETHING IS ROTTING IN MY CAR

EVER SINCE THE 4TH MY CAR REEKS IT SMELLS LIKE THERE IS SOMETHING ROTTING INSIDE, I THOUGHT IT WAS AN OLD SHIRT I HAD BARFED ON MONTHS AGO THAT I HAVE YET TO THROW OUT BUT ITS NOT. IM NOT A GOOD CLEAN CAR KEEPER, I NEVER HAVE BEEN AND I HATE IT CAUSE I FEEL GOOD WHEN I HAVE A NICE CLEAN CAR TO DRIVE IN. I REMEMBER WHEN I HAD MY FIRST CAR IT WAS A DATSUN UNK MODEL. YOU COULDNT MISS IT THO CAUSE MY GPA THOUGHT HE WOULD BE FUNNY AND SPRAY PAINT MY NAME IN BLUE ON THE DRIVER SIDE DOOR , MY CAR WAS WHITE. I HAD TO DRIVE IT I DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE AND WHEN U FIRST START DRIVING I GUESS IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT THE CAR LOOKS LIKE. I TRIED IN VAIN TO KEEP THAT CAR CLEAN TOO BUT DIRTINESS ALWAYS WON. I DIDNT HAVE AC BECAUSE I WAS BROUGHT UP THAT WE WAY, WE WERE WETBACKS AND BY DAMN WERE WE GONNA LIVE UP TO THAT NAME LITERALLY. ONE DAY I WAS DRIVING WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED DOWN IT WAS A HOT SUMMER DAY, WHEN I HEARD SHOTS FIRED. IT WAS ROSE PARK SO IT WASNT OUT OF THE ORDINARY TO HEAR THAT BUT IT SOUNDED SO CLOSE I THOUGHT I HAD BEEN HIT, I LOOKED AROUND FELT "MY NECK MY BACK" TO SEE IF I HAD BLOOD TRICKLING DOWN ANYWHERE I LOOKED AT MY SEAT FOR BULLET HOLES....NOTHING. I THOUGHT MAYBE I HAD A FLAT TIRE OR HIT SOMETHING SO I PULLED OVER TO SEE IF I HAD RAN OVER A SMALL CHILD OR AN ELDELRY PERSON AND CHECKED THE OUTSIDE OF MY CAR STILL NOTHING I LOOKED TO SEE WHAT COLOR I WAS WEARING HOPING IT WASNT RED OR BLUE FOR FEAR I WAS IN THE WRONG HOOD OR BARRIO. I WAS PERPLEXED TO SAY THE LEAST. I CHALKED IT UP TO DIVINE INTERVENTION AND WENT ON MY MERRY WAY. MIND U THIS WAS DURING THE SUMMER TIME AND WITH NO AC MY CAR COULD GET LIKE AN OVEN. THE NEXT DAY I DECIDED TO GO FOR A DRIVE WHILE I WAS OUT ON THE ROAD I CAME TO A STOP LIGHT WENT TO STEP ON THE BRAKES AND IT FELT LIKE SOMETHING WAS BLOCKIN IT SO I COULDNT PRESS IT DOWN, I COULDNT STOP!!!!!! I LOOKED DOWN AT MY FEET AND SAW THIS ROUND SILVER THING UNDERNEATH THE PEDAL SO WITH MY QUICK THINKING AND CAT LIKE MOVES I BENT DOWN WHILE DRIVING AND SWATTED THAT THING AWAY FROM THE PEDAL SO I WAS ABLE TO APPLY THE BRAKES SAFELY AND COME TO A COMPLETE STOP, PHEW THAT WAS ANOTHER CLOSE CALL I ALMOST HAD TO CAREEN INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC. I GUESS AS I WAS COMING DOWN THE HILL THE LOOSE GROCERIES I HAD IN THE BAG BEHIND MY SEAT TOPPLED OUT AND ROLLED UNDER MY SEAT UNDER THE PEDAL, BACK IN THE DAY CARS DID THAT. NEEDLESS TO SAY I HAD TO SIT AND COLLECT MYSELF FOR A MIN HAVING A BRUSH WITH DEATH 2 DAYS IN A ROW TAKES A LOT OUT IN A GIRL. WHEN I FINALLY GOT HOME I GOT IN THE BACK SEAT TO GATHER UP ALL MY JUNK WHEN I NOTICED SOMETHING SO GROTESQUE ,I SCREAMED IN HORROR. IT LOOKED LIKE WHITE HUGE PORTABELLO MUSHROOMS WERE GROWING OUT OF THE CARPET ON THE FLOOR OF MY BACK SEAT! THEY WERE BIG AND ROUND WITH THIS DOUGHLIKE CONSISTENCY I THINK THEY WERE BREATHING. I KNEW I HAD LEFT FOOD AND STUFF IN MY CAR FOR MONTHS ON END BEFORE BUT THIS LOOKED LIKE IT WAS A LIVING ORGANISM WHAT IF IT HAD ECOLI. SO AS I WAS SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER I LOOKED CLOSER AND REALIZED WHAT IT WAS......BISCUITS

FROM PILSBURY. APPARENTLY THEY HAD POPPED OUT OF THE TUBE DUE TO THE EXTREME HEAT AND HAD BEEN BAKING FOR DAYS IN MY HOT VEHICLE . NOW I KNOW WHAT THE SHOTS FIRED NOISE WAS. THE THING THAT HINDERED MY ABILITY TO APPLY THE BRAKES IN MY CAR WAS ALSO THE TUBE THAT HELD THE DOUGH. I HAD A BRUSH OF DEATH BY BREAD. I KNOW U SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM CARBS BUT COME ON. I HAD TO LAUGH AT MYSELF CAUSE ONLY STUFF LIKE THIS HAPPENS TO ME. IF I WAS STRANDED IN THE DESERT I WOULD OF BEEN A NICE SNACK BUT I ENDED UP THROWING IT AWAY I HAD TO SHOW MY FRIENDS HOW COOL IT WAS THO HOW MANY PEOPLE DO U KNOW THAT CAN BAKE THINGS ON THE FLOOR OF THEIR CAR? IF ONLY I HAD A PAT O BUTTER............

OHBYETHEWAY

YOU ARE PROB WONDERING WITH ALL THESE WORKOUTS IM DOING HOW MUCH WEIGHT I MUST HAVE LOST. WELL I DONT LIKE TO TOOT MY OWN HORN AND I DONT LIKE TO TALK NUMBERS, I REALLY DONT WANT ANYONE TO BE JEALOUS. BUT IF U SEE ME U WILL THINK I HAVE HAD MAJOR SURGERY OR WAS ON A FAMOUS REALITY SHOW LETS JUST PUT IT THAT WAY. I HAVE GOT RID OF MOST OF MY CHINS. IM CURRENTLY IN JUST ONE AREA CODE NOW. YOU NO LONGER NEED TO ROLL ME IN FLOUR. I HAVE DONATED MY CLOTHES TO THE LOCAL BOYSCOUT TROOP FOR THEIR CAMPING NEEDS, TENTS TARPS ETC. I NO LONGER NEED TO SHOP AT COSTCO FOR JUST MY OWN GROCERIES. MY BELT IS NOW BEING USED AS A JUMP ROPE FOR THE LOCAL GRAMMAR SCHOOL. I NO LONGER HAVE CANKLES OR TRUNKLES AND CAN WEAR REG SOCKS. I CAN WEAR MY BRACELET AS A NECKLACE. WHEN I LAY ON THE BEACH NO ONE YELLS "QUICK THROW IT BACK IN THE WATER" THINKIN IM A WHALE. I CAN SEE MY FEET. PEOPLE NO LONGER THINK IM WEARIN MY INNER TUBE ON THE INSIDE OF MY SWIMSUIT WHEN I GO FOR A DIP IN THE POOL. WHEN I TAKE A BATH I STILL HAVE AN ABUNDANCE OF WATER IN THE TUB IT DOESNT DISAPPEAR. I COULD PROB GO ON AND ON . BELIEVE ME YOU WOULDNT EVEN RECOGNIZE ME .

WORK IT WORK IT

HI ALL, YESTERDAY I DECIDED TO RUN FOR MY CARDIO IM SORRY WALK FOR MY CARDIO AND MAYBE GET SOME RUNNING IN. I WANTED TO CHANGE THINGS UP CAUSE THAT IS WHAT "THEY" SAY U SHOULD DO. I WALKED ON THE TREAD FOR ABOUT AN HOUR AND I DIDNT EVEN BURN HALF AS MANY CALORIES AS I DO ON THE EFX MACHINE. I RAN FOR ABOUT 10 MIN AND WAS THAT A CHORE. I WAS BREATHING LIKE I HAD A SEVERE CASE O ASTHMA. I WAS LUCKY TO GET 10 MIN IN. EVERYTIME IM ON A TREADMILL I ALWAYS HAVE A FEAR IM GOING TO FALL AND SHOOT OFF INTO A WALL OR ANOTHER PERSON LIKE WHAT U SEE ON YOU TUBE. IF THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME I WOULD NEVER GO BACK TO THAT GYM AGAIN. MY MEMBERSHIP DAYS WOULD BE OVER. WHEN I DO RUN I LIKE TO RUN ALONE WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE ME LIKE OUT AND ABOUT OR IN MY HOME CAUSE I LIKE TO WEAR THE SPANDEX TYPE SHORTS SO THAT I WONT HAVE A FRONT MELVIN THE WHOLE TIME AND IT IS WAY MORE COMFY. I ALSO DONT FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO START A FIRE ANY MINUTE WITH THE RUBBING OF MY INNER THIGHS. ONE TIME I WORE WAY TOO SHORT OF SHORTS AND DECIDED TO GO RUNNING CUZ I WANTED TO SHOW OFF MY OH SO MUSCULAR LEGS BOY WAS THAT A MISTAKE I GOT CHAFED SO BAD I HAD TO WALK LIKE I JUST GOT DONE RIDING A HORSE. SO SINCE I DONT DARE TO WEAR SPANDEX OUT IN THE OPEN I JUST WORE REG BBALL SHORTS YESTERDAY. IF U HAD A FRONT VIEW OF ME IT WOULDNT BE A PRETTY SIGHT ALL U WOULD SEE WAS PERMANENT FRONT WEDGIE, IT WAS LIKE MY SHORTS WERE ALL BUNCHED UP IN THE FRONT AND OF COURSE I CANT SIT AND DIG IT OUT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE SO I TRY TO SLYLY PULL DOWN ON MY SHORTS OR SPREAD MY LEGS OPEN A LIL WIDER LIKE IM RUNNING OVER A HURDLE.AS I WAS ON THE TREADMILL OF COURSE I HAD TO SURVEY THE AREA AND WATCH PEOPLE. I WISH MY JOB WAS JUST WRITING ABOUT PEOPLE AND I GOT PAID FOR IT. AND IT WOULD BE JUST MY THOUGHTS AND MY POINT OF VIEW ONLY IT DIDNT HAVE TO BE RIGHT OR WRONG OR EVEN GOOD, I WONDER IF THEY HAVE ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN AMERICA HMMMMMMMMMMM

ANYWAYS I NOTICED THIS POOR OBESE LOOKING POCAHANTAS IN FULL ON SWEATS AND HER HAIR WAS PITCH BLACK BRAIDED TO HER SHOULDERS POOR GIRL. I GIVE HER PROPS. SHE WAS ON THE TREAD GOING SO SLOW IT WAS LIKE SOMEONE HAD POURED MOLASSES ON HER OVER BAKED BREAD FEET. BLESS HER POOR ENLARGED HEART. SHE GAVE IT A GOOD GO SHE PROB GOT UP TO A 2.0 SPEED AND WAS ON THERE A GOOD 15-20 MIN. SHE GAVE ME INSPIRATION. WHILE SHE WAS ON THE TREAD SOME SKINNY SIZE 2 BITCH CAME BOPPIN ON THE TREAD RIGHT NEXT TO HER WITH HER LONG FLOWING BLONDE HAIR I THINK SHE WAS RUNNING AT A 10.0 SHE JUST GLIDED ALONG WITH THE FLOW. MEANWHILE IM BEHIND HER TRYING TO KEEP UP MY PACE I PROB LOOKED LIKE THE HUNCH BACK OF NOTRE DAME BARELY RUNNING WHILE DRAGGIN ONE LEG BEHIND ME HUFFIN AND PUFFIN WITH MY SHORTS ALL BALLED UP IN MY CROTCH GOOD THING THERE WASNT ANY YOUNG CHILDREN IN THE AREA THEY WOULD OF BEEN SCARED! I WAS ABLE TO FINISH MY FULL HOUR BUT BOY I WAS AS SPENT AS MICHAEL JACKSONS MILLIONS. THAT LIL BIT O RUNNING WORE MY ASS OUT. I WENT AND DID MY STRETCHING AND ABS AS USUAL AND WAS PLANNING ON DOING WEIGHT TRAINING ON MY LEGS BUT I GOT ON THE MACHINE AND WAS POOPED LIKE AN OLD SCATFEST. I DID ONE SET AND STOPPED CAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO EMBARASS MYSELF. MY LEGS WERE SHAKIER THAN MICHAEL J FOXES. I DECIDED TO CALL IT A WRAP (LIKE VANILLA ICE TRIED TO DO IN THE EARLY 90'S) PEACE OUT.

NO MO EXFO

TODAY I THOUGHT I WOULD WRITE ABOUT EXFOLIATING SCRUB. I HAVE TO SAY IM NOT A BIG FAN OF IT. USUALLY FOR CHRISTMAS AND MY BDAY I GET ALOT OF BODY WASH AND LOTIONS AND POTIONS WHICH I THINK ARE RE-GIFTS BUT THATS OK. NEEDLESS TO SAY I DONT REALLY BUY ALOT OF BODY WASH CAUSE I USUALLY HAVE A TON OF IT. MY FAVE IS ANYTHING BY BATH AND BODY WORKS. WE RAN OUT OF BODY WASH THE OTHER DAY SO I WENT TO MY STASH TO GET A NEW ONE, I DIDNT REALLY TAKE A CLOSE LOOK AT IT UNTIL I GOT IN THE SHOWER AND NOTICED IT WASNT JUST NORMAL BODY WASH IT WAS EXFOLIATING BODY WASH. IN MY MIND I KNEW I WASNT A FAN BUT I COULDNT REALLY REMEMBER WHY UNTIL I POURED SOME OVER MY BODY AND REALIZED IT WAS THOSE DAMN BEADS THAT I HATED. I GUESS THE BEADS ARE SUPPOSED TO EXFOLIATE UR SKIN BUT I WONDER IF THE MAKERS KNEW THAT THOSE BEADS ARENT GOOD FOR SCRUBING OUT "DOWNSTAIRS" IF U KNOW WHAT I MEAN. IT DOESNT SAY ON THE BOTTLE USE ON UPPER BODY ONLY. BEFORE I KNEW WHAT THOSE BASTARDS COULD DO TO A WOMAN I ACTUALLY DID WASH MY NUNU WITH THE SCRUB AND BOY WAS THAT A MISTAKE. I THOUGHT I GAVE MY UNDER CARRIAGE A GOOD RINSING BUT LATER ON IN THE DAY I WAS WALKING AROUND I FELT LIKE I HAD CROTCH CRICKETS. OF COURSE I COULDNT SIT AND ITCH IT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE EVEN THO MEN HAVE IT MADE CAUSE THEY CAN REARRANGE THEIR FURNITURE IN FRONT OF ANYONE AND ANYWHERE THEY PLEASE. WOMEN ARE HELD TO A MUCH HIGHER STANDARD. IT FEELS LIKE I HAVE PLAYED NUDE IN THE SAND FOR HOURS AND THAT I HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER SHOWER QUICK. SO NOW WHEN I INADVERTANTLY USE THE EXFO SCRUB I HAVE TO USE A DIFFERENT SOAP FOR BOTH THE FRONT AND THE BACK DOOR. THE SAME GOES FOR THE FACE WASH THAT HAS EXFO BEADS IN IT. IM AN IDIOT AND EITHER I FORGET THAT THE BEADS ARE BAD NEWS OR I MISS READING IT ON THE BOTTLE. I WILL POUR IT IN MY HANDS AND SLATHER IT ALL OVER MY FACE SCRUBBING OUT MY EYES AND NECK AND WHOLE FACE IN GENERAL THEN IT HITS ME "THOSE FUCKING BEADS" IM BLIND! I HURRY AND RINSE IT OUT BUT IT NEVER FAILS I DONT EVER GET THEM ALL OUT AND I CANT STOP BLINKING FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. CAN U IMAGINE IF I USED BOTH THE FACE AND BODY SCRUB AT THE SAME TIME, I WOULD BE IN A WORLD OF HURT. SO IF U WOULD LIKE TO PUT A BAN ON EXFOLIATING ANYTHING GET WITH ME AND LETS START A CAMPAIGN. NO MO EXFO!!!!!!!

THE GYM

i dont know why i like to write about the gym i guess cause it really really entertains me, and im not even talking about the workout part. there are some very interesting characters. one man i will call "mitts" he is an older gentleman pretty physically fit but he wears this headband that is ridiculous it looks like his wife made it with an old oven mitt she found in the kitchen, it is the same puffy material that is enclosed with velcro, he has a few diff colors. he also carries a kitchen towel with him and a huge 44 ounce cup that doesnt even fit in the holders of the cardio machines and when he worksout beside me im always waitin for it to topple over....then there is this 50something lady who is very physically fit my nickname for her is "aerosmith" because that is the music i picture her listening to on her headphones, she is always on the ellipitcal machine and she always gets in a zone and sways on the machine back and forth...she leans back so far i always think she is going to either fall off or she is going to make the stationary thing actually move across the joint. she is very social a lot of older men go up to her and converse. another guy that i notice i call "bedhead" for the obvious reasons he looks like he just got up and went to gym with out even touching a comb. his hair and clothing is very disheveled, he usually wears sweats that im sure he has worn to bed and his tshirt is always a size too small. i really do think he has some mental issues not to be rude. he gets on the stationary bike u can see the crack of his ass so i dont think he wears underware and while he is on the bike he goes so slow that the machine reads pedal faster because it is not registering, he is too busy looking at aerosmith. they have papertowels and a spray bottle so u can spray the towel then wipe off ur machine well when he is done he pulls out a small crumpled tissue from his pocket and wipes the seat but he is never on a piece of equip more than 10 min. there is a a guy that i couldnt help but notice last week he was very large prob 4plus but would stay on the elipitcal for like an hour i was secretly proud of that lard ass, he wore the same clothes every day a purple shirt with cut off sleeves he didnt wear anything underneath it cause i could see all his jelly rolls through the arm hole, he had blue shorts im sure he got from kirkhams and his ankles were beyond cankles they were like tree trunks (trunkles), his socks were so stretched out im sure he could only wear them once then they would b no good after that. i was impressed with him however because he was working it but i have only seen him that one week and havent seen him since he is prob planting his legs in someones yard somewhere poor thing
to be continued

EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

I THOUGHT I WOULD REMINISCE ABOUT A TIME WHEN I HAD AN EMBARRASSING MOMENT AT THE GYM. THIS WAS YEARS AGO WHEN I WORKED OUT AT LIFESTYLES. BELIEVE OR NOT I USED TO RUN MILES ,WELL THE MOST I GOT UP TO WAS 6 BUT IT WAS SOMETHING I WAS PROUD OF, NOW I CAN BARELY RUN 20 MIN. THERE WAS A ROW OF TREADMILLS THAT FACED THE FRONT OF THE GYM SO THEY WERE PRETTY OUT IN THE OPEN AND YOU COULD SEE EVERYONE THAT WALKED IN. THE GYM WAS USUALLY CROWDED AND PEOPLE HAD TO WAIT IN LINE FOR THE TREADMILL AT TIMES. THERE WAS THIS HOT GUY THAT I ALWAYS HAD MY EYE ON HE WAS BUFF AND WAS HARDCORE AT WORKING OUT. HE WAS ONE OF THOSE GUYS THAT CARRIED AROUND A GALLON OF WATER WITH THEM AT ALL TIMES AND WORE WRISTSTRAPS, TOTAL FAKEBAKER HE WAS PROB ON ROIDS BUT HOT NONE THE LESS. I WAS WAY TOO SHY TO EVER TALK TO HIM. ANYWAYS I WAS ON THE TREAD RIGHT IN FRONT RUNNIN MY HEART OUT WHEN I SAW THE HOTTIE WALK IN. I THOUGHT I WOULD STEP UP MY GAME AND CRANK UP MY SPEED SO MAYBE HE WOULD NOTICE ME AND MY SVLETE BODY GLIDING ON THE MACHINE. ANY CARDIO I DO I SWEAT LIKE A WHORE IN CHURCH, I MEAN IT DRIPS DOWN MY FACE AND ONTO THE FLOOR. I WAS NEARING THE END OF MY RUN WHEN I NOTICED THE HOTTIE MOTIONING TO ME! I THOUGHT IT LOOKED LIKE HE WANTED ME TO JUMP OFF THE TREAD AND JUMP RIGHT INTO HIS BULGING ARMS BUT COMMON SENSE TOLD ME OTHER WISE. I WAS REALLY SWEATING I COULDNT KEEP UP WITH WIPING IT OFF MY FACE SO I KINDA LICKED MY LIPS ,WHEN I NOTICED A PECULIAR TASTE , I FIGURED IT WAS JUST THE TASTE OF MY SALTY SWEAT. THE HOTTIE WAS STILL STARING BUT I DECIDED TO BE COY AND NOT LOOK BACK AT HIM. EITHER HE WAS REALLY DIGGIN ME OR HE WANTED TO USE THE TREADMILL I WAS ON WHEN I WAS FINISHED EITHER WAY I WAS KINDA SHY. I KEPT WIPING MY FACE WITH MY ARM SINCE I DIDNT HAVE A TOWEL WITH ME, BOY WAS I HAVING A HARD WORK OUT . I DID NOTICE HOWEVER SOME RED MARKS ON MY ARM I THOUGHT IT LOOKED LIKE I HAD CUT MYSELF SOME HOW. I GOT OFF THE TREAD AND AS I PASSED THE HOTTIE I TOLD HIM "ALL YOURS" FIGURING THAT WAS WHAT HE WAS STANDIN THERE FOR. I DECIDED TO GO THE RESTROOM AND FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS ON MY ARM. AS I TURNED THE CORNER TO LOOK INTO THE MIRROR TO MY UNGODLY HORROR I HAD A HUGE BLOOD RED MUSTACHE THAT LOOKED LIKE IT HAD SLID ACROSS MY FACE......I HAD A BLOODY NOSE!!!!! THERE WAS BLOOD ON MY SHIRT,SMEARED ACROSS MY FACE , SOME SPRINKLES ON MY SHORTS AND OF COURSE ON MY ARMS. I HURRIED AND RAN INTO ONE OF THE STALLS SO NO ONE ELSE WOULD WITNESS MY GROTESQUENESS, PLUS I HAD TO STOP IT. I DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE THE STALL IM SURE I MADE A MESS ON THE TREADMILL TOO. AND NOT ONLY HOTTIE BUT IM SURE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SAW ME AND MY BLOOD MUSTACHE. NEEDLESS TO SAY MY WORKOUT WAS DONE SCREW WEIGHT TRAINING I RAN OUT OF THERE FASTER THEN A MAN ON FIRE. I DID GLANCE TO THE TREADMILL I WAS ON TO SEE IF THE HOTTIE WAS ON IT BUT NO ONE WAS, IT WAS THE ONLY ONE NOT BEING USED. I THINK THAT WAS THE CAUSE TO AT LEAST ONE OF MY MANY WORK OUT DEMISES.

SWEATING TO THE OLDIES

Here is a pic of some of my workout partners,some are shy like me but they are still able to spot me when i need help with the weights. I wore my " i break for clog dancing " t shirt and some adidas shorts got inside and jumped on the machine and as soon as i did that a putrid smell punched me int the face. It was the typical "old man stink" the kind of smell that u cant really explain but it definately comes from the deep dark pits of an older gentleman. It took me a total of 2 seconds to stop me in my tracks and jump off the machine, there was no way i would be able to do an hour with that smell beside me. I dont think the man was offended in anyway i just walked away feeling him staring my neck down,prob a racist bastard anyways. My cardio was uneventful no one really interesting to gawk at the hot black dude came by but i was done with my workout by then, i walked back and forth in front of him a few times to see if he noticed me,dropped my towel and such but it was a no go. Maybe next time i walk around in more than just a towel and see what happens. From the cardio area u can see the swimming pool and that can be interesting to watch at times. There are not alot of hot bodies that come through there when im watchin, its mostly obese older ladies that look like they are wearing their inner tube in the inside of their suit or men so hairy u wonder at first why are they jumping into the pull with an angora sweater on then i realize its his chest and back hair. i give kudos to the people that get in the pool and are overweight i way too shy and if i jumped out of the pool everyone would yell to put me back in cause they would think i was a huge humped back whale that was dyin on land. I decided to work on my biceps today for the strength training part of my day. To me biceps are boring because there are only so many excersies u can do with that muscle. I was on my last excercise i was doin sitting bicep curls with free weight dumb bells i wont tell you the lbs cause im shy however i was sitting in my chair watching my form as im performing the excercises when i looked down at my nunu in the mirror and noticed it looked like i had a mans package! i was utterly disgusted, it was all to the side like a real mans would be. I wanted to touch it to make sure it wasnt the mirror but then again i didnt want to be turned in for bein a pervert. I tried sitting differently and all together just ignoring it but of course im listening to my ipod and khia's song MY NECK MY BACK......song came on. i was finally done with my set and started walking out and i thought i wonder if people think im a tranny? i have pronounced boobs and when i sit i have a full package, whats a non tran girl to do?

COME TO LAGOON

I went to lagoon with a nice chum of mine, Chartruse. It was a nice day i didnt even get a sunburn. Im not a real big fan of lagoon because i usually need a vat o grease to help me fit into the rides, and carrying the bucket can be a major pain. The rides i do fit into how ever i always feel like the safety bar is going to give way at any moment and i will be sent flying to my death,freak accidents do happen and im just the one to have that kind o luck. i posted a pic of us to the left im the one screaming in the 3rd car.I really liked the roller coaster ride wicked but it took like 4 of the employees to scoop me out of the seat i was wedged in so tight. I think my fav ride was this water tube thing im not sure what it was called by u sit on a raft and go down hill in this tube thing i thought i was gonna go upside down just due to force of my girth. When i got out however my bowels were a lil loose cause i farted when the guy pulled me up. Not only did the ride serve as entertainmaint it also served as a water enema very refreshing. I also took a pic of my friend Chartruse who just converted to the muslim religion and decided to wear her religous garb that is the pic on the right oh and she is a lil shy. i tried to get her to take a pic of me but she kept tellin me the pic looked pitch black so i told her to bag it. She has also changed her name to ahhmeer pronounced "ackmeer" then u have to spit on the ground after u say it. All in all i had a pretty good time , yes my blanket was drenched as i left but i dont think anyone noticed.

IM WORKING OUT

As y'all can tell from my svelt body i love to work out. I work out at a local gym 3-5 times a week for about an hour an a half each session. I have yet to see any results. I was seeing the lbs slide off for a bit but as i was gobbling down a bucket o greasy popcorn everytime i got home i realized hmmmmm maybe i need to do more than just go to gym. I love to people watch, that is half the reason why i go well maybe 1/4 of it. I usually work out on the ellyptical machine with my head phones and watch whatever news show is on. I really do love to work out half the battle is actually getting my plump ass to the gym once im there im good. Anywhoo i was there on the machine jamming out to my music when i noticed this wanna be napoleon dynamite dude get on the machine next to me. He looked like maybe around mid to late 20's with a white headband that i think he got at the D I that fit tightly around his fly away locks, he had on black walking shoes with holes in it,green shorts from the 80's and a stained white t-shirt that was a lil too small for him. The thing that baffled me wasnt his garb it was his ipod he had with him. He was actually watching some asian anime on his ipod and was laughing his face off, from where i was i could see it to and it looked as stale as an old cracker to me. I didnt think anime was funny and i shirley didnt think people who were into anime worked out i thought they just sat at home on their computers so kudos for this dude. But as i was watchin him i kept thinking his ipod was going to come crashing to the ground cuz the cord going to his old school foam headphones was not that long and the more he moved the more i kept thinking there goes his life savings(ipod) crashing to the ground! he didnt seem to care the ipod was sitting on a small lip on the machine i was mesmerized by it. Then i noticed this black brotha get on the same machine next to ND, he looked nice in normal up to date work out clothes. He had nice dark skin and nice bald head to go wit it not that great of a booty but maybe that why he was on that machine. After i noticed him get on the machine im not lying like 2 seconds later i looked at him again and he was sweatier than a whore in church. His head looked like it had been basted for a turkey dinner, his shirt was drenched sweat was flying all over the joint, the carpet even looked wet. This was a skinny dude too. I thought any minute he was gonna slip off that machine. He got sweatier in 10 min then i did in an hour. So by then i had to focuses ...black guy slippin off machine and nerd ipod smashing to the ground. It did make the time go by but neither one of those things happend. I decided i had to quit staring at them or they would think i was some stalker. i turned my attention back to tv and noticed this show on channel 2 it was featuring feel good stories about people in america that do for others but could care less about them selves, i have never heard of this before so i decided to pay attention. They featured this lady who was in her 60's recovering from breast cancer and is an animal lover she takes in stray cats and dogs and bathes them . She had this ramshackled old buildin she was working out of and there were dogs everywhere. i couldnt hear the story so i had to try and read the captioning, basically due to poor economic times she had to turn people away and couldnt expand cause she couldnt afford it, i think most of the services were offered were from her own heart and she really didnt make alot of money off of it. Well someone nominated her to be the angel of the day and the news team got a huge new buildin for her and renovated it with up to date equip they decorated it with cute dog paintings and stocked it full of dog food and supplies, of course she knew nothing about this she thought she was just being interviewed for the show and thats it. Well they gathered all her friends and supporters and met her at the new digs she drove up in a caddy and came out bawling her face off. It was all donated free of charge. She couldnt even talk, she ,was so thankful and genuine. Little did i know my ellyptical was all wet too but not from sweat i had stood there for 30 min after i was done working out. It was my tears, i was crying like a baby......God bless u Madge and Chopper

BREASTS ARE THE BEST

as you all know i participated in the race for the cure on sat, it was a blast there were well over 18,000 people that attended. I ran for a friend that has survived breast cancer thank God i dont know many people that have it or have had it. It only took my about 30 min to finish it due to my long gazelle like legs and my lightening speed. i ordered a shirt that was xs but they were all out so i had to end up wearing the 3x. they had a lot of free swag there but nothin too exciting i did get in line for a free breast exam but the male that was giving it for some reason didnt put any gloves on and had me get completely nude in a port a potty it was a lil crowded but he said i was fine so that is a plus. during the race i had to dodge snot rockets, strollers, and slow walkers but i made it in record time and won the race and im not even part kenyan. if u look in the pic real close u can see me in the white shirt.