SOMETHING IS ROTTING IN MY CAR

EVER SINCE THE 4TH MY CAR REEKS IT SMELLS LIKE THERE IS SOMETHING ROTTING INSIDE, I THOUGHT IT WAS AN OLD SHIRT I HAD BARFED ON MONTHS AGO THAT I HAVE YET TO THROW OUT BUT ITS NOT. IM NOT A GOOD CLEAN CAR KEEPER, I NEVER HAVE BEEN AND I HATE IT CAUSE I FEEL GOOD WHEN I HAVE A NICE CLEAN CAR TO DRIVE IN. I REMEMBER WHEN I HAD MY FIRST CAR IT WAS A DATSUN UNK MODEL. YOU COULDNT MISS IT THO CAUSE MY GPA THOUGHT HE WOULD BE FUNNY AND SPRAY PAINT MY NAME IN BLUE ON THE DRIVER SIDE DOOR , MY CAR WAS WHITE. I HAD TO DRIVE IT I DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE AND WHEN U FIRST START DRIVING I GUESS IT DOESNT MATTER WHAT THE CAR LOOKS LIKE. I TRIED IN VAIN TO KEEP THAT CAR CLEAN TOO BUT DIRTINESS ALWAYS WON. I DIDNT HAVE AC BECAUSE I WAS BROUGHT UP THAT WE WAY, WE WERE WETBACKS AND BY DAMN WERE WE GONNA LIVE UP TO THAT NAME LITERALLY. ONE DAY I WAS DRIVING WITH THE WINDOWS ROLLED DOWN IT WAS A HOT SUMMER DAY, WHEN I HEARD SHOTS FIRED. IT WAS ROSE PARK SO IT WASNT OUT OF THE ORDINARY TO HEAR THAT BUT IT SOUNDED SO CLOSE I THOUGHT I HAD BEEN HIT, I LOOKED AROUND FELT "MY NECK MY BACK" TO SEE IF I HAD BLOOD TRICKLING DOWN ANYWHERE I LOOKED AT MY SEAT FOR BULLET HOLES....NOTHING. I THOUGHT MAYBE I HAD A FLAT TIRE OR HIT SOMETHING SO I PULLED OVER TO SEE IF I HAD RAN OVER A SMALL CHILD OR AN ELDELRY PERSON AND CHECKED THE OUTSIDE OF MY CAR STILL NOTHING I LOOKED TO SEE WHAT COLOR I WAS WEARING HOPING IT WASNT RED OR BLUE FOR FEAR I WAS IN THE WRONG HOOD OR BARRIO. I WAS PERPLEXED TO SAY THE LEAST. I CHALKED IT UP TO DIVINE INTERVENTION AND WENT ON MY MERRY WAY. MIND U THIS WAS DURING THE SUMMER TIME AND WITH NO AC MY CAR COULD GET LIKE AN OVEN. THE NEXT DAY I DECIDED TO GO FOR A DRIVE WHILE I WAS OUT ON THE ROAD I CAME TO A STOP LIGHT WENT TO STEP ON THE BRAKES AND IT FELT LIKE SOMETHING WAS BLOCKIN IT SO I COULDNT PRESS IT DOWN, I COULDNT STOP!!!!!! I LOOKED DOWN AT MY FEET AND SAW THIS ROUND SILVER THING UNDERNEATH THE PEDAL SO WITH MY QUICK THINKING AND CAT LIKE MOVES I BENT DOWN WHILE DRIVING AND SWATTED THAT THING AWAY FROM THE PEDAL SO I WAS ABLE TO APPLY THE BRAKES SAFELY AND COME TO A COMPLETE STOP, PHEW THAT WAS ANOTHER CLOSE CALL I ALMOST HAD TO CAREEN INTO ONCOMING TRAFFIC. I GUESS AS I WAS COMING DOWN THE HILL THE LOOSE GROCERIES I HAD IN THE BAG BEHIND MY SEAT TOPPLED OUT AND ROLLED UNDER MY SEAT UNDER THE PEDAL, BACK IN THE DAY CARS DID THAT. NEEDLESS TO SAY I HAD TO SIT AND COLLECT MYSELF FOR A MIN HAVING A BRUSH WITH DEATH 2 DAYS IN A ROW TAKES A LOT OUT IN A GIRL. WHEN I FINALLY GOT HOME I GOT IN THE BACK SEAT TO GATHER UP ALL MY JUNK WHEN I NOTICED SOMETHING SO GROTESQUE ,I SCREAMED IN HORROR. IT LOOKED LIKE WHITE HUGE PORTABELLO MUSHROOMS WERE GROWING OUT OF THE CARPET ON THE FLOOR OF MY BACK SEAT! THEY WERE BIG AND ROUND WITH THIS DOUGHLIKE CONSISTENCY I THINK THEY WERE BREATHING. I KNEW I HAD LEFT FOOD AND STUFF IN MY CAR FOR MONTHS ON END BEFORE BUT THIS LOOKED LIKE IT WAS A LIVING ORGANISM WHAT IF IT HAD ECOLI. SO AS I WAS SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER I LOOKED CLOSER AND REALIZED WHAT IT WAS......BISCUITS

FROM PILSBURY. APPARENTLY THEY HAD POPPED OUT OF THE TUBE DUE TO THE EXTREME HEAT AND HAD BEEN BAKING FOR DAYS IN MY HOT VEHICLE . NOW I KNOW WHAT THE SHOTS FIRED NOISE WAS. THE THING THAT HINDERED MY ABILITY TO APPLY THE BRAKES IN MY CAR WAS ALSO THE TUBE THAT HELD THE DOUGH. I HAD A BRUSH OF DEATH BY BREAD. I KNOW U SHOULD STAY AWAY FROM CARBS BUT COME ON. I HAD TO LAUGH AT MYSELF CAUSE ONLY STUFF LIKE THIS HAPPENS TO ME. IF I WAS STRANDED IN THE DESERT I WOULD OF BEEN A NICE SNACK BUT I ENDED UP THROWING IT AWAY I HAD TO SHOW MY FRIENDS HOW COOL IT WAS THO HOW MANY PEOPLE DO U KNOW THAT CAN BAKE THINGS ON THE FLOOR OF THEIR CAR? IF ONLY I HAD A PAT O BUTTER............

OHBYETHEWAY

YOU ARE PROB WONDERING WITH ALL THESE WORKOUTS IM DOING HOW MUCH WEIGHT I MUST HAVE LOST. WELL I DONT LIKE TO TOOT MY OWN HORN AND I DONT LIKE TO TALK NUMBERS, I REALLY DONT WANT ANYONE TO BE JEALOUS. BUT IF U SEE ME U WILL THINK I HAVE HAD MAJOR SURGERY OR WAS ON A FAMOUS REALITY SHOW LETS JUST PUT IT THAT WAY. I HAVE GOT RID OF MOST OF MY CHINS. IM CURRENTLY IN JUST ONE AREA CODE NOW. YOU NO LONGER NEED TO ROLL ME IN FLOUR. I HAVE DONATED MY CLOTHES TO THE LOCAL BOYSCOUT TROOP FOR THEIR CAMPING NEEDS, TENTS TARPS ETC. I NO LONGER NEED TO SHOP AT COSTCO FOR JUST MY OWN GROCERIES. MY BELT IS NOW BEING USED AS A JUMP ROPE FOR THE LOCAL GRAMMAR SCHOOL. I NO LONGER HAVE CANKLES OR TRUNKLES AND CAN WEAR REG SOCKS. I CAN WEAR MY BRACELET AS A NECKLACE. WHEN I LAY ON THE BEACH NO ONE YELLS "QUICK THROW IT BACK IN THE WATER" THINKIN IM A WHALE. I CAN SEE MY FEET. PEOPLE NO LONGER THINK IM WEARIN MY INNER TUBE ON THE INSIDE OF MY SWIMSUIT WHEN I GO FOR A DIP IN THE POOL. WHEN I TAKE A BATH I STILL HAVE AN ABUNDANCE OF WATER IN THE TUB IT DOESNT DISAPPEAR. I COULD PROB GO ON AND ON . BELIEVE ME YOU WOULDNT EVEN RECOGNIZE ME .

WORK IT WORK IT

HI ALL, YESTERDAY I DECIDED TO RUN FOR MY CARDIO IM SORRY WALK FOR MY CARDIO AND MAYBE GET SOME RUNNING IN. I WANTED TO CHANGE THINGS UP CAUSE THAT IS WHAT "THEY" SAY U SHOULD DO. I WALKED ON THE TREAD FOR ABOUT AN HOUR AND I DIDNT EVEN BURN HALF AS MANY CALORIES AS I DO ON THE EFX MACHINE. I RAN FOR ABOUT 10 MIN AND WAS THAT A CHORE. I WAS BREATHING LIKE I HAD A SEVERE CASE O ASTHMA. I WAS LUCKY TO GET 10 MIN IN. EVERYTIME IM ON A TREADMILL I ALWAYS HAVE A FEAR IM GOING TO FALL AND SHOOT OFF INTO A WALL OR ANOTHER PERSON LIKE WHAT U SEE ON YOU TUBE. IF THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME I WOULD NEVER GO BACK TO THAT GYM AGAIN. MY MEMBERSHIP DAYS WOULD BE OVER. WHEN I DO RUN I LIKE TO RUN ALONE WHERE NO ONE CAN SEE ME LIKE OUT AND ABOUT OR IN MY HOME CAUSE I LIKE TO WEAR THE SPANDEX TYPE SHORTS SO THAT I WONT HAVE A FRONT MELVIN THE WHOLE TIME AND IT IS WAY MORE COMFY. I ALSO DONT FEEL LIKE IM GOING TO START A FIRE ANY MINUTE WITH THE RUBBING OF MY INNER THIGHS. ONE TIME I WORE WAY TOO SHORT OF SHORTS AND DECIDED TO GO RUNNING CUZ I WANTED TO SHOW OFF MY OH SO MUSCULAR LEGS BOY WAS THAT A MISTAKE I GOT CHAFED SO BAD I HAD TO WALK LIKE I JUST GOT DONE RIDING A HORSE. SO SINCE I DONT DARE TO WEAR SPANDEX OUT IN THE OPEN I JUST WORE REG BBALL SHORTS YESTERDAY. IF U HAD A FRONT VIEW OF ME IT WOULDNT BE A PRETTY SIGHT ALL U WOULD SEE WAS PERMANENT FRONT WEDGIE, IT WAS LIKE MY SHORTS WERE ALL BUNCHED UP IN THE FRONT AND OF COURSE I CANT SIT AND DIG IT OUT IN FRONT OF EVERYONE SO I TRY TO SLYLY PULL DOWN ON MY SHORTS OR SPREAD MY LEGS OPEN A LIL WIDER LIKE IM RUNNING OVER A HURDLE.AS I WAS ON THE TREADMILL OF COURSE I HAD TO SURVEY THE AREA AND WATCH PEOPLE. I WISH MY JOB WAS JUST WRITING ABOUT PEOPLE AND I GOT PAID FOR IT. AND IT WOULD BE JUST MY THOUGHTS AND MY POINT OF VIEW ONLY IT DIDNT HAVE TO BE RIGHT OR WRONG OR EVEN GOOD, I WONDER IF THEY HAVE ANYTHING LIKE THAT IN AMERICA HMMMMMMMMMMM

ANYWAYS I NOTICED THIS POOR OBESE LOOKING POCAHANTAS IN FULL ON SWEATS AND HER HAIR WAS PITCH BLACK BRAIDED TO HER SHOULDERS POOR GIRL. I GIVE HER PROPS. SHE WAS ON THE TREAD GOING SO SLOW IT WAS LIKE SOMEONE HAD POURED MOLASSES ON HER OVER BAKED BREAD FEET. BLESS HER POOR ENLARGED HEART. SHE GAVE IT A GOOD GO SHE PROB GOT UP TO A 2.0 SPEED AND WAS ON THERE A GOOD 15-20 MIN. SHE GAVE ME INSPIRATION. WHILE SHE WAS ON THE TREAD SOME SKINNY SIZE 2 BITCH CAME BOPPIN ON THE TREAD RIGHT NEXT TO HER WITH HER LONG FLOWING BLONDE HAIR I THINK SHE WAS RUNNING AT A 10.0 SHE JUST GLIDED ALONG WITH THE FLOW. MEANWHILE IM BEHIND HER TRYING TO KEEP UP MY PACE I PROB LOOKED LIKE THE HUNCH BACK OF NOTRE DAME BARELY RUNNING WHILE DRAGGIN ONE LEG BEHIND ME HUFFIN AND PUFFIN WITH MY SHORTS ALL BALLED UP IN MY CROTCH GOOD THING THERE WASNT ANY YOUNG CHILDREN IN THE AREA THEY WOULD OF BEEN SCARED! I WAS ABLE TO FINISH MY FULL HOUR BUT BOY I WAS AS SPENT AS MICHAEL JACKSONS MILLIONS. THAT LIL BIT O RUNNING WORE MY ASS OUT. I WENT AND DID MY STRETCHING AND ABS AS USUAL AND WAS PLANNING ON DOING WEIGHT TRAINING ON MY LEGS BUT I GOT ON THE MACHINE AND WAS POOPED LIKE AN OLD SCATFEST. I DID ONE SET AND STOPPED CAUSE I DIDNT WANT TO EMBARASS MYSELF. MY LEGS WERE SHAKIER THAN MICHAEL J FOXES. I DECIDED TO CALL IT A WRAP (LIKE VANILLA ICE TRIED TO DO IN THE EARLY 90'S) PEACE OUT.