EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

I THOUGHT I WOULD REMINISCE ABOUT A TIME WHEN I HAD AN EMBARRASSING MOMENT AT THE GYM. THIS WAS YEARS AGO WHEN I WORKED OUT AT LIFESTYLES. BELIEVE OR NOT I USED TO RUN MILES ,WELL THE MOST I GOT UP TO WAS 6 BUT IT WAS SOMETHING I WAS PROUD OF, NOW I CAN BARELY RUN 20 MIN. THERE WAS A ROW OF TREADMILLS THAT FACED THE FRONT OF THE GYM SO THEY WERE PRETTY OUT IN THE OPEN AND YOU COULD SEE EVERYONE THAT WALKED IN. THE GYM WAS USUALLY CROWDED AND PEOPLE HAD TO WAIT IN LINE FOR THE TREADMILL AT TIMES. THERE WAS THIS HOT GUY THAT I ALWAYS HAD MY EYE ON HE WAS BUFF AND WAS HARDCORE AT WORKING OUT. HE WAS ONE OF THOSE GUYS THAT CARRIED AROUND A GALLON OF WATER WITH THEM AT ALL TIMES AND WORE WRISTSTRAPS, TOTAL FAKEBAKER HE WAS PROB ON ROIDS BUT HOT NONE THE LESS. I WAS WAY TOO SHY TO EVER TALK TO HIM. ANYWAYS I WAS ON THE TREAD RIGHT IN FRONT RUNNIN MY HEART OUT WHEN I SAW THE HOTTIE WALK IN. I THOUGHT I WOULD STEP UP MY GAME AND CRANK UP MY SPEED SO MAYBE HE WOULD NOTICE ME AND MY SVLETE BODY GLIDING ON THE MACHINE. ANY CARDIO I DO I SWEAT LIKE A WHORE IN CHURCH, I MEAN IT DRIPS DOWN MY FACE AND ONTO THE FLOOR. I WAS NEARING THE END OF MY RUN WHEN I NOTICED THE HOTTIE MOTIONING TO ME! I THOUGHT IT LOOKED LIKE HE WANTED ME TO JUMP OFF THE TREAD AND JUMP RIGHT INTO HIS BULGING ARMS BUT COMMON SENSE TOLD ME OTHER WISE. I WAS REALLY SWEATING I COULDNT KEEP UP WITH WIPING IT OFF MY FACE SO I KINDA LICKED MY LIPS ,WHEN I NOTICED A PECULIAR TASTE , I FIGURED IT WAS JUST THE TASTE OF MY SALTY SWEAT. THE HOTTIE WAS STILL STARING BUT I DECIDED TO BE COY AND NOT LOOK BACK AT HIM. EITHER HE WAS REALLY DIGGIN ME OR HE WANTED TO USE THE TREADMILL I WAS ON WHEN I WAS FINISHED EITHER WAY I WAS KINDA SHY. I KEPT WIPING MY FACE WITH MY ARM SINCE I DIDNT HAVE A TOWEL WITH ME, BOY WAS I HAVING A HARD WORK OUT . I DID NOTICE HOWEVER SOME RED MARKS ON MY ARM I THOUGHT IT LOOKED LIKE I HAD CUT MYSELF SOME HOW. I GOT OFF THE TREAD AND AS I PASSED THE HOTTIE I TOLD HIM "ALL YOURS" FIGURING THAT WAS WHAT HE WAS STANDIN THERE FOR. I DECIDED TO GO THE RESTROOM AND FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS ON MY ARM. AS I TURNED THE CORNER TO LOOK INTO THE MIRROR TO MY UNGODLY HORROR I HAD A HUGE BLOOD RED MUSTACHE THAT LOOKED LIKE IT HAD SLID ACROSS MY FACE......I HAD A BLOODY NOSE!!!!! THERE WAS BLOOD ON MY SHIRT,SMEARED ACROSS MY FACE , SOME SPRINKLES ON MY SHORTS AND OF COURSE ON MY ARMS. I HURRIED AND RAN INTO ONE OF THE STALLS SO NO ONE ELSE WOULD WITNESS MY GROTESQUENESS, PLUS I HAD TO STOP IT. I DIDNT WANT TO LEAVE THE STALL IM SURE I MADE A MESS ON THE TREADMILL TOO. AND NOT ONLY HOTTIE BUT IM SURE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE SAW ME AND MY BLOOD MUSTACHE. NEEDLESS TO SAY MY WORKOUT WAS DONE SCREW WEIGHT TRAINING I RAN OUT OF THERE FASTER THEN A MAN ON FIRE. I DID GLANCE TO THE TREADMILL I WAS ON TO SEE IF THE HOTTIE WAS ON IT BUT NO ONE WAS, IT WAS THE ONLY ONE NOT BEING USED. I THINK THAT WAS THE CAUSE TO AT LEAST ONE OF MY MANY WORK OUT DEMISES.

SWEATING TO THE OLDIES

Here is a pic of some of my workout partners,some are shy like me but they are still able to spot me when i need help with the weights. I wore my " i break for clog dancing " t shirt and some adidas shorts got inside and jumped on the machine and as soon as i did that a putrid smell punched me int the face. It was the typical "old man stink" the kind of smell that u cant really explain but it definately comes from the deep dark pits of an older gentleman. It took me a total of 2 seconds to stop me in my tracks and jump off the machine, there was no way i would be able to do an hour with that smell beside me. I dont think the man was offended in anyway i just walked away feeling him staring my neck down,prob a racist bastard anyways. My cardio was uneventful no one really interesting to gawk at the hot black dude came by but i was done with my workout by then, i walked back and forth in front of him a few times to see if he noticed me,dropped my towel and such but it was a no go. Maybe next time i walk around in more than just a towel and see what happens. From the cardio area u can see the swimming pool and that can be interesting to watch at times. There are not alot of hot bodies that come through there when im watchin, its mostly obese older ladies that look like they are wearing their inner tube in the inside of their suit or men so hairy u wonder at first why are they jumping into the pull with an angora sweater on then i realize its his chest and back hair. i give kudos to the people that get in the pool and are overweight i way too shy and if i jumped out of the pool everyone would yell to put me back in cause they would think i was a huge humped back whale that was dyin on land. I decided to work on my biceps today for the strength training part of my day. To me biceps are boring because there are only so many excersies u can do with that muscle. I was on my last excercise i was doin sitting bicep curls with free weight dumb bells i wont tell you the lbs cause im shy however i was sitting in my chair watching my form as im performing the excercises when i looked down at my nunu in the mirror and noticed it looked like i had a mans package! i was utterly disgusted, it was all to the side like a real mans would be. I wanted to touch it to make sure it wasnt the mirror but then again i didnt want to be turned in for bein a pervert. I tried sitting differently and all together just ignoring it but of course im listening to my ipod and khia's song MY NECK MY BACK......song came on. i was finally done with my set and started walking out and i thought i wonder if people think im a tranny? i have pronounced boobs and when i sit i have a full package, whats a non tran girl to do?

COME TO LAGOON

I went to lagoon with a nice chum of mine, Chartruse. It was a nice day i didnt even get a sunburn. Im not a real big fan of lagoon because i usually need a vat o grease to help me fit into the rides, and carrying the bucket can be a major pain. The rides i do fit into how ever i always feel like the safety bar is going to give way at any moment and i will be sent flying to my death,freak accidents do happen and im just the one to have that kind o luck. i posted a pic of us to the left im the one screaming in the 3rd car.I really liked the roller coaster ride wicked but it took like 4 of the employees to scoop me out of the seat i was wedged in so tight. I think my fav ride was this water tube thing im not sure what it was called by u sit on a raft and go down hill in this tube thing i thought i was gonna go upside down just due to force of my girth. When i got out however my bowels were a lil loose cause i farted when the guy pulled me up. Not only did the ride serve as entertainmaint it also served as a water enema very refreshing. I also took a pic of my friend Chartruse who just converted to the muslim religion and decided to wear her religous garb that is the pic on the right oh and she is a lil shy. i tried to get her to take a pic of me but she kept tellin me the pic looked pitch black so i told her to bag it. She has also changed her name to ahhmeer pronounced "ackmeer" then u have to spit on the ground after u say it. All in all i had a pretty good time , yes my blanket was drenched as i left but i dont think anyone noticed.

IM WORKING OUT

As y'all can tell from my svelt body i love to work out. I work out at a local gym 3-5 times a week for about an hour an a half each session. I have yet to see any results. I was seeing the lbs slide off for a bit but as i was gobbling down a bucket o greasy popcorn everytime i got home i realized hmmmmm maybe i need to do more than just go to gym. I love to people watch, that is half the reason why i go well maybe 1/4 of it. I usually work out on the ellyptical machine with my head phones and watch whatever news show is on. I really do love to work out half the battle is actually getting my plump ass to the gym once im there im good. Anywhoo i was there on the machine jamming out to my music when i noticed this wanna be napoleon dynamite dude get on the machine next to me. He looked like maybe around mid to late 20's with a white headband that i think he got at the D I that fit tightly around his fly away locks, he had on black walking shoes with holes in it,green shorts from the 80's and a stained white t-shirt that was a lil too small for him. The thing that baffled me wasnt his garb it was his ipod he had with him. He was actually watching some asian anime on his ipod and was laughing his face off, from where i was i could see it to and it looked as stale as an old cracker to me. I didnt think anime was funny and i shirley didnt think people who were into anime worked out i thought they just sat at home on their computers so kudos for this dude. But as i was watchin him i kept thinking his ipod was going to come crashing to the ground cuz the cord going to his old school foam headphones was not that long and the more he moved the more i kept thinking there goes his life savings(ipod) crashing to the ground! he didnt seem to care the ipod was sitting on a small lip on the machine i was mesmerized by it. Then i noticed this black brotha get on the same machine next to ND, he looked nice in normal up to date work out clothes. He had nice dark skin and nice bald head to go wit it not that great of a booty but maybe that why he was on that machine. After i noticed him get on the machine im not lying like 2 seconds later i looked at him again and he was sweatier than a whore in church. His head looked like it had been basted for a turkey dinner, his shirt was drenched sweat was flying all over the joint, the carpet even looked wet. This was a skinny dude too. I thought any minute he was gonna slip off that machine. He got sweatier in 10 min then i did in an hour. So by then i had to focuses ...black guy slippin off machine and nerd ipod smashing to the ground. It did make the time go by but neither one of those things happend. I decided i had to quit staring at them or they would think i was some stalker. i turned my attention back to tv and noticed this show on channel 2 it was featuring feel good stories about people in america that do for others but could care less about them selves, i have never heard of this before so i decided to pay attention. They featured this lady who was in her 60's recovering from breast cancer and is an animal lover she takes in stray cats and dogs and bathes them . She had this ramshackled old buildin she was working out of and there were dogs everywhere. i couldnt hear the story so i had to try and read the captioning, basically due to poor economic times she had to turn people away and couldnt expand cause she couldnt afford it, i think most of the services were offered were from her own heart and she really didnt make alot of money off of it. Well someone nominated her to be the angel of the day and the news team got a huge new buildin for her and renovated it with up to date equip they decorated it with cute dog paintings and stocked it full of dog food and supplies, of course she knew nothing about this she thought she was just being interviewed for the show and thats it. Well they gathered all her friends and supporters and met her at the new digs she drove up in a caddy and came out bawling her face off. It was all donated free of charge. She couldnt even talk, she ,was so thankful and genuine. Little did i know my ellyptical was all wet too but not from sweat i had stood there for 30 min after i was done working out. It was my tears, i was crying like a baby......God bless u Madge and Chopper

BREASTS ARE THE BEST

as you all know i participated in the race for the cure on sat, it was a blast there were well over 18,000 people that attended. I ran for a friend that has survived breast cancer thank God i dont know many people that have it or have had it. It only took my about 30 min to finish it due to my long gazelle like legs and my lightening speed. i ordered a shirt that was xs but they were all out so i had to end up wearing the 3x. they had a lot of free swag there but nothin too exciting i did get in line for a free breast exam but the male that was giving it for some reason didnt put any gloves on and had me get completely nude in a port a potty it was a lil crowded but he said i was fine so that is a plus. during the race i had to dodge snot rockets, strollers, and slow walkers but i made it in record time and won the race and im not even part kenyan. if u look in the pic real close u can see me in the white shirt.

THE DENTIST

it was getting close to my dentist appt at 730 am when i decided to leave and stop and get a coffee real quick i was having a bad dry mouth day. this dental appt was no big deal(so i thought) cause all i really needed to do was show them my cracked toof that was towards the back. i cracked it on some peanut m n ms which is so dumb i thought i was munching on the candy coating forever but it turned out to be my flipping toof! anywho...my dentist office LEGACY DENTAL is the best office this side of the bayou. they are always so friendly and act like they care about what i say, they always ask about my babies and seem just interested in me in general in reality they prob could give a fuzz but as long as the wool is pulled over my long lash eyes who cares. usually before i go in for a procedure i have some rituals i have to go through to help me relax, i like to mediate, lay nude on a bearskin rug, chant, do a few kiegel excercises and let oil drip onto my chakra oh yes and i also take about 5 xanax which is the most important step of all needless to say i dont take my dental appts lightly. i dont normally just go in on a whim and get a root canal done. As i was sitting in my chair chattin to the oldies with all the girls one of the staff looked at my sorry tooth and sed it looked like it needed a crown. im thinking ok i have had that before i can prob get doped up before they schedule my procedure and get through it. then all of a sudden everyones faces got really big to me and their voices sounded like they were in a tunnel. the girl said "we can just do it now", i said" now"?! and before i could try and con my way out of it the next thing i know they have reclined the chair back slapped an oxygen mask on my face and was revving up the drill. im surprised i got my jacket off. im sure they could see my heart beating out of my shirt. one of the assistants assured me she would get me snoozin with some gas, i felt like saying unless the gas is enough to snuff out a small village it aint gonna do a thing for me,i dont think they understand just how hardcore i am. i started to feel the gas a lil bit but was on the edge of "am i about to flip out on this stuff or let it take me in and stay calm,flip out or stay calm ,flip out or stay calm,flip calm, in front of the door beside the door in front of door beside door.....................i was nervously searching my pockets for some blue just by the tiniest chance i had one stashed somewhere.......they gave me some headphones and let me listen to coldplay which helped, my body however was a total contorted mess, my back was arched my hands and feet were in fists, my body just couldnt relax, i felt as tight as a virgin on her wedding night....i think it would really help me next time if i could wear a sleeping mask and have a lamb to hold on to, i asked the assistant if i could do it and she said yes....i hate the bright lights and the dentist looking down at u with all his contraptions connected to his head then all these scary intsruments he is putting in your mouth....i dont mind scary things in my mouth but usually the lights are turned down when it happens.....and im always thinking what if they drop something and i swallow it, like a screw or the brand new tooth they made just for me or what if something suffocates me.....ah! i also hate when the water sometimes squirts in my eye and on my face it scares the bejesus out of me, usually someone tells me when they are ready to squirt in my face or on my neck......i have to admit im starting to get better about being afraid of the dentist i think cause my office is soooooooooooooooooooooo nice to me and probably cause i only have to unbutton my shirt half way down while im in the chair. ps 700 dollars later i got my crown!

THANKSGIVING

THIS YEAR FOR THANKSGIVING WE PARTICIPATED IN OUR NORMAL TRADITIONS BY VOUNTEERING AT THE SOUP KITCHEN, WE HAD 2 MISSONARIES WITH US THIS YEAR ONE FROM PAKISTAN, RHAMID AND ONE FROM LAOS, THUGYEN WHO ALSO WERE ABLE TO PARTICIPATE. THE MISSONARIES CAME IN HANDY DUE TO MY GMAS CARPEL TUNNEL AND ALL THE LADDELING SHE HAD TO DO WITH THE BIG VATS O BROTH WE SERVED UP. THE TURKEY WAS MOIST AND JUICY LIKE MY YOUNG THIGHS ON A HOT AUGUST NIGHT. THE ROLLS WERE BUTTERY AND FLAKY LIKE THE DANDRUFF ON MY COUSINS SWEATER AND THE POTAOTES WERE THICK AND DIMPLY LIKE A PERSON I WORK WITHS ASS. I LOVE HELPING OUT DURING THE HOLIDAY SEASON IF I COULD DO CHARITY WORK FULL TIME AND GET PAID FOR IT I WOULD IN A HEARTBEAT. I ALSO LIKE TO BASKET WEAVE, MAKE CARE PACKAGES FOR THE POOR, KNIT SWEATERS, MAKE PAPER AIRPLANES FOR THE BASTARD CHILDREN, AND SIT ON A SENIOR CITIZENS LAP AND GIVE THEM A LONG WARM BEAR HUG. WE ENDED OUT THANKSGIVING CELEBRATION BY SITTING BY THE FIRE AND SINGING CHURCH HYMNS